WHY THIS BLOG?

I AM PARCA'S CHOSEN:
Parca is the Roman Goddess of Childbirth and Destiny and after you get to know me, you will see why I believe she has, without doubt, made me her Poster Child. I deal with the odd serious issue but for the most part, my posts are just some cheeky fun, reviews of favorite shows, and true stories that will make you laugh out loud (or run screaming...I don't know you well enough to predict your behavior). You'll find satire with the odd parody tossed in....and most definitely a generous helping of hyperbole, with a dollop of facetiousness.

I am Canadian so expect a bit of politeness too. Sorry.

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1) MY eBOOKS CAN BE FOUND ON AMAZON HERE:
DENISE ON AMAZON
2) MY eBook Trailers are on YOUTUBE
3) My website:denisesevierfries.com
4) My Photo-Art Youtube Trailer is here too.

5) My old monthly column: The Lighter Side of Self Publishing
6) Outlander Series Facebook forum: the popular book/tv series group I am admin on, is The BEST and BIGGEST with over 100,000+ members! Come join us! *click on bold red words

Saturday, October 14, 2017

OUTLANDER: *SHOCKING PROOF* FRANK RANDALL WAS A TT* ! (*Time Traveller)

Hold onto your pantyhose ladies...Fraaaaaak! was a Time Traveller, just like Claire!

Undisputed evidence leaves NO doubt that our favorite British hubbypoo, Professor of History, MI6 Agent, Tabletop TongueTango Grand Master and Fedora-rockin' trench coat hottie, was able to skip through Time and share his craggy good looks and ovary melting baritone across the centuries.

Whether or not you are #TeamFrank...one cannot argue with Fact.

Years of research has uncovered the following previously unknown ORIGINAL artwork etc...which explains a LOT: *click on pic to enlarge





*ceased cover; one copy in existence:






























...and finally, something SO obvious that it needs no explanation:




***

Nuff said. 
*drops mike and walks off stage*

Sunday, August 13, 2017

OUTLANDER FRIENDSHIP TEST: be aware of who you befriend!

OUTLANDER FRIENDSHIP TEST
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

LINK THIS 3-PART TEST TO ANY POTENTIAL 'FRIEND' AND IF THEY CAN PASS IT, PROOF OF THEIR BEING OUTLANDERNATED WILL BE CONFIRMED.
*if they fail, you may want to reconsider spending your time with them. I mean really...what would you talk about?


PART 1
3 BASIC MUST-KNOW QUESTIONS

1) WHO IS JAMIE?
a) a stable boy
b) a warrior Scotsman
c) a whorehouse bouncer

2) WHO IS CLAIRE?
a) a dockside harlot
b) a beautician
c) a Time Traveling doctor 

3) WHAT IS A LEGHAIR?
a) a stubbly leg infestation
b) a spoiled brat
c) the reason Claire almost got burned as a witch.

_____________



PART 2
FINISH THIS SENTENCE:

DIANA GABALDON IS A....
a) wife 
b) writer
c) mother
d) doctor
e) creative genius
f) gravelly voiced sex goddess
g) all of the above

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PART 3
VISUAL RESPONSES

LOOK AT THE FOLLOWING PHOTOS AND CHOOSE AN APPROPRIATE ANSWER:

1) a) Ah! True love!
    b) I may vomit.



________________________________________________


2) a) Family ties bind are sacred and their devotion is inspiring.
    b) Dougal should invest in armour. 


                               ____________________________________________________


3) a) That necklace stole the scene!
    b) Murtagh sure loved her swans!

                                ___________________________________________________


4) a) There was no better wig maker in all of France!
    b) He was heads above the rest!



5) a) This scene after Jaime's cousin's wedding was sweet.
    b) His boots were made for more than walking.  

                                ___________________________________________________


6) a) The ladies traditionally gather every weekend to wash the church curtains.
    b) The ladies sure know how to pound the piss out of their laundry!




7) a) Look how green that foliage is! Lovely!
    b) *begin singing* "He's got the whole world, in his hands, he's got the whole wide world, in his hands..." *begin spontaneous multiple orgasms*



                               ____________________________________________________


8) a) Being a wife and mother was all she ever wanted.
    b) She should have a sign tattooed above her vagina that says 'Enter At Your Own Risk".


________________________________________________________


9) a) They could not believe the size of King Louis's penis on his braggadocios statue atop the Palace staircase!
    b) 'Seeing red' does not always mean one is angry...


____________________________________________________


10) a) The scene where Black Jack travels to 1948 and lands in a Macey's.
      b) His wife gets 'stoned' and HE ends up in the police station!


                           _________________________________________________________

11)  a) Waking up after dreaming she had been ridden harder than a rodeo bull on steroids by a redheaded virginal Scotsman.
       b) Waking up STILL wearing her belt and watch.

                         _________________________________________________________


12) a) A local nun trying out for The Von Trapp Family Singers.
      b) A healer who has a special friend with a nose for trouble.

____________________________________________________________


13) a) Claire finds a mole shaped like Australia, if Australia wore combat boots.
      b) Claire discovers that she likes kilts. And the steaming hot  hunks of manflesh that wear them.

_________________________________________________________

14) a) Claire's necklace was made from the bone of a white whale.
      b) This trinket is so beautiful...its to DIE for!

                           _______________________________________________________



15) a) Sam and Cait get together with Cait's parents for a fun evening.
      b) A crazy but happy Outlander family.

           Image result for outlander gifs


SCORE:
IF THE SCORE HIGHER THAN 100%, THEN YOU CAN SAFELY ACCEPT YOUR NEW OUTLANDER FRIEND.

IF THE SCORE IS ANY LOWER, YOU CAN ADVISE THIS PERSON TO READ/WATCH OUTLANDER AND COME BACK TO TRY AGAIN. 

AND TO BRING WHISKEY.
_________________________________________________________

Monday, May 22, 2017

OUTLANDER'S FRANK RANDALL: RACIST OR REALIST? *BONUS: Diana Weighs In With The Facts

LIGHTBULB MOMENT!
Yes...this looks JUST like me. Scarily so.

Many of the fans that Diana Gabaldon calls the anti-Frank crowd, site the phone calls from women that Claire receives, who tell her to leave Frank and their marriage, as proof of his infidelities. As I do NOT believe that Frank was a cheater, it just occurred to me why they may have called her: we know that 'everyone thinks she is having an affair with Joe Abernathy as they spend so much time together' (as Franks says in Voyager Chapter 19). This is why I believe these phone calls are either from:

1) women/students who are smitten by him and want her to leave with her lover and open the path to his heart/bedroom or a combination of both OR

2) women who simply admire him greatly and want her to leave with her scandalous black lover and stop shaming him and ruining his reputation...and making fool out of him. 

This could also explain what he meant when he said being with, or having an affair with a black man was 'dangerous'. His saying that 'being overprotective of Bree was better than having her 'fucking a black' man sounds more like bitter jealousy, deep anger and real fear...and not racism. After all, he didn't say the 'N' word and racists certainly do and did, especially in those days. Nevertheless, many do say that this is the point they lose all respect for Frank. If they had any to begin with, that is.

I don't believe it is in Frank's honorable and decent character to be racist, even though racism was utterly commonplace in those days. In 'Leaf' we see Frank as a man of great character, intelligence and sympathy who can speak other languages (even if just a bit) and feels for the Jews and the soldiers of any ethnicity keenly. This hardly seems the type of man to harbour racist or prejudiced values.

Black and white couples could be and WERE beaten, jailed and murdered in those days and marriage was ABSOLUTELY out of the question. For example, In 1958, an interracial couple were torn from their beds at night in their own home and slammed into jail when the police discovered they had married.

By 1966, things has improved but not by much (it wasn't until 1967 that all the States in America made interracial marriage legal)...as we can sadly attest to even today.

If Claire was thrown in jail because of her love affair with Joe, what would happen to Bree? Both of their reputations? Bree's future? What if things escalated and they were attacked or abused? And could it be that THAT was the reason he needed to go to England and take Bree with him...and even dare to hope Claire would follow? 

Indeed it could. In fact, if we do find out later that Frank is not in fear for Bree's (AND Claire's?) safety because of his MI6 Secret Agent involvements concerning Time Travel and other nefarious reasons, it may be simply that he felt he had to save his daughter's reputation and shield her from the stain of her mother's shame and reckless love affair...again...just like he did in 1948.

So, in closing, let me reiterate, I do very much believe that Frank was/is not the racist he is thought to be (another red herring Diana? GAWD WOMAN...I am getting full! Can't eat herring again if I tried... *wink* ) and was really just worried for the safety and reputation of Brianna...and even of Claire, who we know he loved until his dying breath. He spent his life keeping them safe.

And this then begs the question, what does it say about us for jumping so quickly to the conclusion that someone saying 'a black man' in any kind of angry sentence is racist, without thinking about what else they could mean. Am I racist if I say 'I don't like Eskimo Pies'? Or, 'Hey Officer! That Ukrainian Canadian guy just stole my purse!'. Sometimes it is just a description for a specific purpose.
*and yes, I am Ukrainian Canadian and that guy who stole your purse was probably my brother. Sorry. He doesn't get out much.

Joking aside, it is terribly easy to fall into an opinion skewed by one's preconception of a character...but you can now see, I hope, that maybe the problem is with us, not Frank.

ADDED: Many thanks to Beth Trogdon Allen for this copy of Diana's opinion of Frank's perceived prejudice and racism, and why he is NOT either: 

click to enlarge






**

Sunday, May 21, 2017

OUTLANDER SEASON 3 (& 4,5...etc...): 3 Major Missing Facts & 3 Additions That Will Cause A Fandom Meltdown

The upcoming season(s) will be bittersweet. Something like lemon rind coated with chocolate.

Starz molds and shapes Outlander like PlayDoh, so it is no surprise that among the various adaptation changes (plot/event removals and additions) there will be things missing or added to Season 3 and the upcoming Seasons.

So...these are the Top 3 things that are/will-be missing, and the Top 3 most radical additions...that I, to be frank, love. *wink*



SADLY MISSING

1) BRIANNA WILL NEVER KNOW HER NAME WAS ALWAYS PRONOUNCED WRONG



When Jamie sees Brianna's picture for the first time when Claire returns, he is told her name and says 'What a terrible name for a lass!' or something even worse, and Claire is obviously indignant and angry and reminds him that HE asked for the baby to have his father's name...and since she couldn't call the child Brian, she morphed it into Brianna with the same 'pronunciation'!

Jamie then realizes the problem and says "Oh... I see, then it's supposed to be pronounced 'Bree-ana. Not so bad then." in a conversation a little better written than that in the book.....and we then realize that from the minute we meet Bree, should have been called Brian-ah. That would have been fun to see.
*sadly grabs a scoop of pink 'LGBT Yum' ice-cream to make a Consolation Cone to feel better*



2) JAMIE CANNOT BE SHOCKED BY BREE'S HEIGHT

I know that casting can rarely, if ever, find perfect replicas of book characters as actors and we must use our imaginations to make up for the shortfall (pardon the pun) BUT, in this case, I am going to miss how Brianna initially thinks Jamie 'isn't as big as she thought he'd be', and then Jamie's first REAL words to Brianna after she introduced herself  "You're huge!" 

The ensuing hug that makes her feel like a wee lass in her father's massive arms would have been a 10 Boxer. (Rating from 1 box of Kleenex to 10)

Oh...and also, now Jamie can't give this to Bree as 'Nice Ta Meecha' gift he made by hand:



*sadly adds a vanilla scoop of 'White Ice Matters' ice-cream to the Consolation Cone*



3) NO MORE SCARS FOR JAMIE

Claire comes back as a Plastic Surgeon and in an Episode titled  'Out(lander) Patient Procedure', Claire removes the scarring on Jamie back and makes it all masculine and ripped like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Here is a leaked photo of the new back:



The decision to do this drastic change was dual-purposed:

1) the prosthetics used to make Jamie's war-torn back was time-consuming and expensive so it was a financial consideration and 
2) who doesn't like a manly-man back? A few more buckets of drool won't hurt anyone...

Personally, I liked the scars...they were so Jackson Pollack.
*sadly adds a green scoop of `The Full Minty' ice cream to the Consolation Cone*





INTERESTINGLY ADDED

1) BREE WILL GRADUATE BEFORE FRANK DIES

In the books, Frank dies in a icy road accident in his pyjamas after fighting with Claire in which she tears his heart to shreds (a most undignified way to die for someone like Frank...a warrior of a man who survived untold (literally, untold) adversity for years, just weeks away from Brianna graduating high school at age 17).                     
               *cries into a lace hanky engraved with the initials 'FWR"*

Happily, for TeamFrank (and my fellow Frankettes), pre-season 3 clips and still shots show Frank and Claire sweetly together, applauding Brianna as she graduates! SO...one can safely assume Starz MagicDust has been sprinkled and Frank gets to be happy for another full 30 seconds of the entire series! Yay!

I`ll take it...and smile through my tears. I hope more MagicDust is available to allow Frank a more dignified and deservingly heroic death on the screen. Diana DOES call him the Tragic Hero of the story...so... *crosses fingers*




2) THE REASON THE BOOKS FRANK WROTE HAVE NEVER BEEN READ

Diana has dropped hints lately that we should be wondering why the books Frank wrote were never discussed anywhere, or seemed to have not been read at all! Good question....so what is hidden in his writings that tell us 'WHAT DID FRANK KNOW?`, the spontaneous title DG gave a potential Frank Book should there ever be one. 

I, however, already noticed why his books were never perused. See if you can find it too in the photo below. Take your time and pack a lunch...you'll be Where's Waldo?-ing it for hours...
*click to enlarge


3) A MIND BLOWING TWIST OF A CLIFF HANGER

At the end of the last season, it has been leaked to the media that Diana and Ron Moore have been so impressed and amazed by the superb acting skills of Tobias Menzies, that a complete re-write of the entire ending of the series is due to be completed in 2020 and it will be revealed that FRANK is really Brianna's father and NOT Jamie!

It will be explained that Frank was given the wrong Sterility Report (he got a rich grocery chain owner's report who had just married his 6th and much younger wife who wanted a Trust Fund Baby to ensure her future income) and didn't know he could father a child. Claire, with fresh sperm in her fallopian tubes, tumbled through the Stones 'magically' and whilst doing so, Frank's Little Soldiers were `frozen` in time but thawed and did their duty just before Jamie's Squiggly Lads could get to the somewhat dizzy and bewildered egg that simply didn`t travel well at all! Time Travel can be tricky...

This Ultimate Shocker will stun everyone except die hard Franks Fans like me, who always questioned why Claire and Jamie have blue eyes but Brianna and Frank...well...see for yourself:



I'd say the 'eyes' have it. *winks and slaps a scoop of 'Chocolate Orgasm' ice cream atop her Celebration Cone*



**


UMMMM...just so you know, only 3 of the 6 above are true. See if you know which ones they are...
*lick...grin*

Monday, May 15, 2017

THINGS THAT MAKE ME GO WTF?: The Unbearable Oddness of Being 'Part 6'

Just when you think that you can't find anything weirder to write about, along come some doozies.

#1 is an interesting WTF? moment but I am embarrassed to have #2 come from Canada, but it really earned a giant WTF? from me when I read it. The Queen on our Loonies blushed and the Beaver on our nickels just shook its head and dove under the water.

You'll see why soon enough...

1) BRA SIZES ARE BULLSHIT


Thank God for this article (LINK) ! I feel relieved and NOT the crazyassboobfreak I thought I was for so long. I have had bra issues for over 40 years and bra shopping was always a WTF? kinda outing. Sizing never was consistent and finding the right one that fit well AND was comfortable was a fucking nightmare. I usually ended up buying the one that made me look the least like I was smuggling oranges in my shirt. Underwire bras seemed to look the best but...surprise...unyielding metal and soft breast tissue don't mix well for long and unhitching The Beast at night gave me an overwhelming feeling that this was what torture chamber victims felt like when released: pure heaven.

Read up...and it even has a clip on 3 surprising bra tricks that are pretty solid.



2) WORKER SMUGGLES GOLD UP HIS ASS



We have a saying here in Canada that describes someone who is rich: we say 'He's shittin' gold'.


Truer words have never been spoken.

Recently, a Royal Canadian Mint employee really DID shit gold, but it wasn't his to defecate. Well, 'insert then defecate' to be precise. It was stolen 'goods'. The courts found him to be a smuggler of 22 gold 'pucks' (coin-like ingots) valued at over $165,000.00 CND, over his 7 years on the job. They also found latex gloves and Vaseline in his locker... and I am pretty sure there must have been a copies of Spelunking Monthly (lots of articles on caves and cavernous spaces) and Digging For Gold Quarterly. WTF is wrong with people? Seriously. What an ass. Pun intended.

FULL ARTICLE HERE: SING TO THE TUNE OF 'GOLD FINGER!': GOLD SPHINCTER!


3) MOM IS LUNCH-SHAMED BY KINDY SCHOOL

You may or may not agree with me on this one but Hey!...I was this mom once, minus the note. My daughter was called the CandyMan because she had so many treats shoving her PBJ sandwich to the cramped lunchbox corner. But I believe kids should not be made to feel bad about their parents choices.

A mother of 8 healthy kids got this note from kid #7's kindergarten teacher after finding a piece of chocolate cake in the 3 yr old's lunchbox:


LINK to article

I know for a fact I would have sent a note back that looked something like this:

"Dear Miss Jones,
          Thank you for your concern about Katharina, but regarding your views on how I should pack her lunch...


Sincerely,
Denise, First of Her Name, Ruler of The Kitchen, Mother of the Five, Buyer of The Chocolate, Breeder of the Heathen Candy Mongers and Giver of No Fucks."

Having said this, had Katharina a mouth full of rotten teeth and the body of a large and somewhat sweaty Sumo Wrestler, the note would STILL be offensive, as I believe teachers (who I am a big fan of actually, my daughter being one) and parents should talk, not write notes like...well...kindergarteners.


4) RENT-A-FRIEND

Yes, you read that right. In Japan, there is a company who rents out 'agents' for about $35.00 an hour to be your friend and accompany you to weddings, or parties or just be props for selfies on Instagram or FB. They are there to be photo'd with you at your pleasure. Not in a sexy or kinky way (I don't think) but just a convenience and tool for people with no time to make friends. WTF is wrong with this picture? *metaphorically speaking...

And btw, WTF is up with this company's name 'Family Romance'? Eeewwww...


LINK to your new Discount Friend(s)


5) PRO PITCHER WANTS TO MAKE HIS RIB INTO JEWELRY



That was so stupid I could barely write it. But you can read it here: link

Minnesota Twins pitcher Phil Hughes had to have a rib removed  for ...blah...blah...blah and he wants to make the bone some type of jewelry by plating it with some precious metal.

1) Whothefuckis Phil Hughes and
2) what traumatic event happened to him as a child that he cannot bear to give up a piece of his body that he has  a) never seen before and b) cannot use...even as a hoe or shovel...or a toothpick. Or a bat. c) is organic and will rot/waste away eventually.
3) WTF is up with rich celebs wearing massive gold/silver bling anyway? Looks goofy enough without adding body pieces to it. *smh*

What next? Gold plated foreskin? Oy Vey!

But hey...who am I to tell anyone what to do with their bones. "HEY PHIL!! Can you snap off a couple of fingers? Bet the missus would like some earrings..."


6) HITLER HAD A RED PHONE


And this is it. One might say 'who cares?' but someone DID care enough to buy it at auction for over $240,000.00. A cool quarter mil. An anonymous bidder.

That is the interesting part. Who would want to buy such an evil tool of destruction? Apparently he used it to relay many of his most destructive orders...so, again, WTF? Who bought it? And also, why was it not melted into the shape of a toilet lid for some prison so it can bask in the fumes of nasty shitjuice for eternity?

There can only be 2 possibilities"
1) There is a jerkoff collector who wants to cuddle Everything Hitler or
2) Some mad scientist wants to collect the epithelials left behind in the recesses of the number holes from Hitler's fingers to create an 'Adolf Clone' the same crazyass way they did in Jurassic Park with the dinosaurs. Maybe even do a high tech, hybrid crossover experiment to create a Master Dino Race that eats only dissidents, Jews and gay gypsies...a Tyrant-asaurus Rex?

My money is on #2.

Here's the link.


7) RESTAURANT LEMONS ARE SHITNUGGETS



To wrap up what has turned out to be an unintentional shit themed blog piece this time around, let's talk about restaurant lemons. This study (link) of restaurant lemon wedges tested, found that 'a whopping 70% had microbial growths' and half of them had traces of feces on them. Feces, also known as: kaka, poop...or crap. As in "CRAP! I just ate the lemon in my club soda at Boston Pizza...nooooo!"

So, best to forget the lemon wedges when you eat out, or you may be chewing on this...



*NOTE TO SELF: Never Google images for microbial growths again. EVER.

I have learned a lot today. Hope you did too. Sorry for ruining your lemony desires, but hey you STILL can eat them...just make sure to scrub them with bleach and a blowtorch beforehand.

I certainly will.

**