WHY THIS BLOG?

I AM PARCA'S CHOSEN:
Parca is the Roman Goddess of Childbirth and Destiny and after you get to know me, you will see why I believe she has, without doubt, made me her Poster Child. I deal with the odd serious issue but for the most part, my posts are just some cheeky fun, reviews of favorite shows, and true stories that will make you laugh out loud (or run screaming...I don't know you well enough to predict your behavior). You'll find satire with the odd parody tossed in....and most definitely a generous helping of hyperbole, with a dollop of facetiousness.

I am Canadian so expect a bit of politeness too. Sorry.

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1) MY eBOOKS CAN BE FOUND ON AMAZON HERE:
DENISE ON AMAZON
2) MY eBook Trailers are on YOUTUBE
3) My website:denisesevierfries.com
4) My Photo-Art Youtube Trailer is here too.

5) My old monthly column: The Lighter Side of Self Publishing
6) Outlander Series Facebook forum: the popular book/tv series group I am admin on, is The BEST and BIGGEST with over 96,000+ members! Come join us! *click on bold red words

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

LOVE LETTER TO A FACEBOOK ADMIN or "Hey Mister...Ya Got A Twoonie?"

Ah! The life of a FB admin.

A Chef stirring a stew of humanity so thick it could choke a horse. But with a little salt (read: humour) it is palatable enough. Case in point:

This is a PM (private message) I received on the Face Book forum I run called Outlander Series (the largest at over 65,000 member and BEST Diana Gabaldon Outlander FB fan forum!).

I had to remove (not ban) a member named Nick Perri for asking for piracy links/free TV for free Outlander episodes (a BIG no no) and even though it was an easy-fix situation (a polite PM will 99.9% of the time end up in a re-join), he had his feelings hurt...and let me know. Here is his PM and my reflex action edit of it:






And here is my open letter to him:
Hey Nicky!
I understand that you need to vent now and then but seriously, you could be SO much more effective if you tried a little harder with your private messages on Face Book. Sloppy insults just don’t hit the mark. I KNOW how life-changing and devastating being removed from a book club page can be…like someone ripped a whole in your heart a hole and horked a loogie in it…so I will offer you these sound edits of your message in an attempt to help you make the most of your suffering:
·        Capitalizing your first sentence ‘Wtf’ started well, but you must remember that it is still a sentence, albeit a condensed one, and needs a question mark at the end, not a comma. Capitals are then needed to begin the next sentence.

·        At the end of the second sentence, you used a comma instead of a question mark or exclamation mark. That is just being lazy. You missed a chance to show your rage with a raised fist! See what I did there? Okay…good.

·        “…my entire life, I absolutely…” Run-on sentence/Improper punctuation. Rule of thumb: if you take a breath when talking, it usually means you need punctuation there (either a semicolon or a period). Be aware of your literal voice.

·        Stupid is used twice and then the wrong punctuation is used. Again… laziness. Invest in a Thesaurus.

·        Unnecessary and inconsistent indentations just waste your time in messages like this. It isn’t an essay. Don’t fuss with it.

·        ‘Gonna’ is quaint, but slurring tames the ferocity of the piece like this. Save it for your Gangsta Poem nights.


·        Hyphens are our friend. Cum-guzzling, gutter-slut, flat-chested anal-loving etc… help the reader compartmentalize and get a better visual. Don’t confuse your reader (e.g.- ‘…guzzling gutter…’)

·        Don’t try to impress with urban slang if your audience is 50plus. It goes over their heads and is lost. I had no idea what bukake was and actually read ‘bunt cake’. Having to stop to look up words weakens the momentum of your righteous fury and dilutes it to a warm piss against the wind, but I must say that you DO pack a lot of information in a very short space.

·         I am pretty sure gloryhole is one word but again... urban slang ... mostly shoots wide off target.

·        One should stay in sync with one’s previous writing style and your ‘2’ should be written out as two. To be constant is to know God.

·        Multiple use of exclamation marks is like poking your finger repeatedly on someone’s forehead. Rather than making a point, you distract from it and the reader focuses on them and not what they are trying highlight.
   
If you embrace these corrections, your next online meltdown will be taken more seriously. I wish you well in all your upcoming assaults on FB admin, online Complaint Departments at Home Depot and Staples and anyone you don't have to face in person. Regards to your spouse and family who are, I assume, in an FBI Witness Protection Program pending your upcoming trial.
No need to thank me for the edit. It's like I always say, proper grammar and a completed Anger Management Program, will help keep you warm in a cold, cold world.
Sincerely,
Denise (a.k.a. Grandma Gutter Slut. Destined to be a password. My sister and I almost busted a gut laughing at that one... so seriously, it's a keeper...)