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I AM PARCA'S CHOSEN:
Parca is the Roman Goddess of Childbirth and Destiny and after you get to know me, you will see why I believe she has, without doubt, made me her Poster Child. I deal with the odd serious issue but for the most part, my posts are just some cheeky fun, reviews of favorite shows, and true stories that will make you laugh out loud (or run screaming...I don't know you well enough to predict your behavior). You'll find satire with the odd parody tossed in....and most definitely a generous helping of hyperbole, with a dollop of facetiousness.

I am Canadian so expect a bit of politeness too. Sorry.

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Monday, April 27, 2015

OUTLANDER 112: DR. BLACK JACK DDS AND HIS ROOT (of all evil)


Black Jack Randall is a dentist.

And that explains a LOT.
  
The most reviled character since Voldemort has been hiding his white lab coat under his British Red Coat.

  
This is no wild accusation of a wine-soaked, middle-aged woman who was once married to a dentist and sees juxtapositions of her ex in every nasty character on the screen, painting them all with one bitter brush. In fact, in the spirit avoiding an ugly lawsuit, I will offer a disclaimer that my thoughts on this post are in any way connected to my ex. *I don’t want him to get a penny back from what my amazing lawyer settled for me. My opinions are generalized and point to no one person. Promise; cross my fingers; pinky swear. 

You see…I know a dentist when I see one. I was a dental assistant for over 5 years and a dentist’s wife who helped run the practice (and socialized with them) for 14 years so I can say with confidence that I am qualified to speak with some authority on the subject.

Like a Beauty Pageant contestant with a Class II Div I Malocclusion, I can spot a dentist in a crowd from a mile away.


Like the teeth above, dentists stand out. They cannot hide from me. Even if they are in a television set. I can smell the pungency of their v̶i̶c̶t̶i̶m̶'̶s̶ patients' fears radiate from their every pore. 

The unmistakeable aura of the Type A personality practically vibrated off of Jack Randall in this episode but it wasn’t until he took Jenny upstairs for her unwanted body cavity invasion (read: dental examine) did it hit me what his inner demon really was: A DDS a.k.a. Doctor of Dental Surgery or, as what readily comes to mind when thinking of BJR, a Demented Dick Squeezer. *he WAS doing a lot of dick squeezing in 112

Most people saw BJR’s finger, filthy with the innocent blood of her beaten and broken brother, probe Jenny’s mouth in a grotesque, sadistic kind of sexual foreplay, but I saw it as an exam. Here...let me show you:

                                            Open wide....
                                         ... checking the bite...oral tissue exam...
                                                    ...a diastema? Gum disease?

Looks pretty obvious once you know what to look for, right? I told you. 

A narcissistic sadist of wealth and position that is hated and feared, and has access to torture devices...and who is in charge and must be obeyed. BJR or a dentist? 

Exactly.
 

As a DA who has assisted dental surgeries on trauma victims from car accidents, I had to question the believability of the CTTF (Club To The Face) scene. True, said club was only a candle stick, but it was a mighty hefty one that looked big and solid enough to be used as Ian’s spare peg leg…




…and it should have, at the very least, left a wee mark on Dr. Black Jack’s face after such a pounding or given him a TMJ (TMD) problem




As it was, it looked like he is also an ancestor of The Thing of Marvel Comics Fantastic Four fame...




Not a single bump or a chip off the old noggin. No blood. Nada. And he acted like he never even felt it. Impressive? Or Novocaine.

Exactly.


I confess to not being up on the common dental practices in 1700 Scotland, but I wager that patients then, as now, regard their being taken to their dental chair, or out of it, much like the picture below. Or at least how it felt they were treated when they said they couldn’t pay.




That brings us to the root of all evil, the evil root. 

I have named Dr. Black Jack's penis Lil’ Nessie because it reminds me of another lizard-like creature in Scotland that is shy to rise in front of people and commands a wondrous worldwide fascination with its very existence. (#Penisgate) Big Nessie may be a long, green mysterious creature but Lil’ Nessie seems a fine, stocky pink fella with one eye for both the lads and lassies…in a 50 Shades of Flay, sadomasochistic kind of way. *I was going to say The Cock Ness Monster but thought it a little on the nose




Bypassing the obvious quips about avoiding a painful root c̶a̶r̶n̶a̶l̶  canal, and filling and drilling etc... I will say that BJR proves correct the stats that reveal dentistry as the profession having the highest rate of suicide, divorce and alcoholism. Dr. Black Jack has driven men to suicide, is divorced from all human emotions…




… and loves his S̶c̶o̶t̶s̶ Scotch.

And finally, yes...it is true. BJR has a very bad case of *gingervitis.
*Bragging rights to those who get this joke in relation to Outlander



**BONUS PICTURE**
Do you think the original Starz poster would have given too much away?