I am a P.R.U.D.E. And Starz needs to hire me.
It is rather the antithesis of the prudishness it conjures, oddly enough, but essential for episodes like #10 that are severely lacking in practical realism and the ugly details that make fantasy more believable. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the show for the most part, but the Devil is in the details, as they say.
The following are things a PRUDE would note and demand changed. Consider this part of my résumé:
The opening scene was unique in that in all of television history, there was absolutely NO cinematic foreplay or indicator that explicit sex was coming at you from the get-go. It was the nervous-pimply-teenager-in-the-back-seat-with-the-school-slut of all Openers. BANG...straight to business baby!
(Speaking of vibrators, I would bet my prized Ceramic Chicken Collection that the opening sequence will become the highest viewed looped scene in YouTube history)
So, what do we see here in this screen shot of the opening scene?
If you said ‘a curiously dry mouth’, you would be right (and competition for my job with Starz, so bugger off). With all Claire’s moaning (did anyone else hear her squeak out the name ‘Frank’?) one would conclude that the strappin’ lad has become a very good student of the 'Art du La Oral Sexulatie' (everything sounds better in fake French, don't you think?) and if so, one must wonder then why there is no sheen of pleasure on his mouth. At the risk of sounding indelicate, anyone who has had a proper Lady Blowjob knows it is a wet and wild ride. If not right then, then surely after he dives back in with a half loop and double twist to eagerly finish the job. He doesn’t even wipe his mouth before opening the door! *which I will address later
I admit to a rare guffaw when Jamie raises his head and furrows his brow to croak out a angry ‘No!’ and goes back in with a ferocity and gusto one only sees in cartoons and pie eating contests.
Since Claire didn’t bring along a copy of the Kama Sutra, one can only smile and wonder at how she was able to teach the unworldly Jamie how humans do the things that horses/animals don’t do naturally in the wild. Unless he happened to see these monkeys in King Louis exotic zoo?
I know nobody will be offended because this is actually very tasteful jungle sex.
1) incense Frank fans or
2) show they need the PRUDE who had obviously been cut from Production Cost because of our exorbitant salaries.
I am talking about the shot of Jamie’s head being held between Claire’s legs with a hand boldly displaying Frank’s wedding ring, shining in all its betrayed glory like the gleam in the eye of a pimp counting his pile of snatch money.
Frank in-between Claire's legs once more...kinda.
Another noticeable detail omitted from the opening scene would be the need for Jamie to at least wipe his mouth before opening the door to Murtagh. Again, perhaps this is indelicate but a quick ‘subconscious’ wipe of the chin would have been a clever way of making the sex act look real. He didn't have to spit a pube onto the floor but come on, his nose to nose talk with Murtagh should have at least seen the older man look a little repulsed with Jamie’s tuna sandwich breath wafting over his face.
Sex smells. An erotic fragrance, but there nonetheless.
Speaking of dirty, Geillis remained surprisingly clean and fresh after her role in the meadow. And since we get to see her chest as it is offered to the God’s of Knocking Off First Wives, I can only assume Starz has gone boob crazy and there will soon be a #Nipplegate to bitch over when they add scenes that offer us full frontal nudes of LegHair's hooters, Mrs. Fitz’s titzs and maybe even Jocasta’s jugs (that last saw the sun circa 1695 under the guidance of the randy butler Ulysses).
Thank God they spared us Mrs. Baird's Bosoms.
Next, we have a serious reality check: the second UNNECESSARY LOVE TRIANGLE (ULT). The first ULT was, of course, Jamie/Claire/Frank. It was always a triangle, but in the books it wasn’t a LOVE triangle, as we didn’t see a lot of love between Frank and Claire (for reasons I hope are explained later on by Frank's PTSD from his hidden and heroic 007 days in the war).
Frank was the ‘meh’ husband easily dismissed, but Starz made him a Tour de Force and our new love for him messes up so much! (see my Franklander post here for a detailed explanation). Now they have done a similar fuckup with the Dougal/Geillis/Maura triangle that never was supposed to be a biggie. In the book Dougal’s wife was a non-entity and even though Dougal obviously respected her and thought very highly of his newly deceased wife (which was endearing and made us respect Dougal a wee bit more), he did not go crazyapeshit over her death and act as though he wasn’t allowed to buy a new My Little Pony…
*kudos to Grahma McTavish for surviving the Viagra Tantrum he was forced to act out. That sucker must have felt like it lasted at least 4 hours…
Again, like other episodes, the overacting was not a good actor's fault. It was the director. He told him what to do and it makes no sense with the upcoming scenes where we see the Murderess Geillis’ husband puke and perish whilst she and Dougal exchange lustful, knowing smiles that make Dougal the secret accomplice.Their glee was so tangible that Colum looked back and forth at them with his mouth agape, like he was watching Roger Federer and Donald Trump playing a round of tennis in thong Speedos: a complete WTF? moment.
Which brings us to Claire. I had heard that her hair was an issue but could not see why when I watched the show, except to say her dye job was off a tad (black around her face and light brown above) but again, not something a PRUDE would bother with much, unless the bi-color became too much more obvious in the up-sweep:
Happily, there is not much else I would, as a professional, have suggested except to say for THREE MAJOR additions that would have made E10 the best one yet:
2) More Frank flashbacks.
That is why I write this blog...it's cathartic. Cuz it ain’t easy being a PRUDE.
**The Outlander group I admin has been very supportive and lots of fun...and this came out of one discussion about how...ummm...wet..Jamie's face should have been. *giggle*