WHY THIS BLOG?

I AM PARCA'S CHOSEN:
Parca is the Roman Goddess of Childbirth and Destiny and after you get to know me, you will see why I believe she has, without doubt, made me her Poster Child. I deal with the odd serious issue but for the most part, my posts are just some cheeky fun, reviews of favorite shows, and true stories that will make you laugh out loud (or run screaming...I don't know you well enough to predict your behavior). You'll find satire with the odd parody tossed in....and definitely a heaping helping of hyperbole.

I am Canadian so expect a bit of politeness too. Sorry.

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Sunday, January 18, 2015

15 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT OUTLANDER...kinda.


1- Caitriona Balfe, who plays Claire Randall Fraser, has whisky colored eyes in real life.


Having the same, rare colored eyes as the main protagonist of Outlander was why Balfe was first hired, but the ingenious minds at Starz devised a brilliant PR campaign that saw blue contacts cause massive controversy and an indignant uproar amongst die-hard book fans that garnered the kind of attention that one simply cannot buy. It helped launch the series into the stratosphere as fodder of gossip columns, Facebook groups and fan clubs worldwide.

Cait is quoted as saying ‘These fucking things are itchy!’ but is a good sport and wears them to prolong the rage/attention/ratings that they fuel.


2- Real urine was used in the dye setting scene.


In the scene in Season 1 Episode 5 where the women were setting the dye in their fabrics with urine, the real urine of 46 members of the The Rod and Rooster Dart Board Club from a local pub on location was used and helped to create an authentic atmosphere and evoke genuine reactions.

The Dart Board lads got free beer for a week and were paid one roasting chicken per litre.

3- The food eaten on set by the extras was plastic. 

To cut production costs, extras were given plastic food to eat. Fruits, meats, breads…all of it, was made of high quality, realistic looking plastic. Multiple takes have taken their toll however, and production has suffered. There is no record of any deaths thus far, but as we see in this picture secreted to us by a concerned crew member, 187 extras are in hospital, 103 are in ICU and 3 of every 17 extras are not expected to make it. *NOTE: All main cast members were fed real food shipped in from Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant in Beverly Hills as per their contracts.

The extra’s ‘wine’ is actually re-filtered liquid from the dye setting scene. But that may be a rumor.


4- Actor Sam Heughan, needed hair glued onto his chest.

As seen here, the actor playing main protagonist, Jamie Fraser, had individual chest hairs meticulously glued on one by one. 

Sam initially, and naturally, had hair on his chest, but it was ripped off in lustful handfuls by Cait during the Wedding Night scene. Shot out of sequence, this fireside scene above was made right after the Wedding Night episode, and to avoid having to re-shoot other scenes that were also shot out of sequence (which unfortunately showed his manly rug), Make-Up undertook the task of shaving the hair off of a baby Llama, dying it the reddish tint called Aging Pumpkin that was used for his head hair, and applied it to his ravaged pecs.

*Alas! The scenes on the Wedding Night that show the savage mating that resulted in the orgasmic hair removal (and a circus-freak-like ability to swing from a chandelier and simultaneously perform a 69er) wound up on the cutting room floor (but may be available for viewing on an upcoming episode of Game of Thrones)


5- Jamie’s horse is actually a Unicorn. 



The lovely white Unicorn used as the beautiful Donas (Donas is black...right?) was found in Scotland just before production began. They are the national animal of Scotland and thought to be extinct, but Starz executives spared no expense (and used money set aside for real food for the extras) to locate the last of its kind, spray paint him black and cut off his horn. 

You can see the decorative patch they used to cover the unsightly hole in the poor creature's forehead.

6- Three dancers were lost during the dance scene around the Stones.



Again, striving for authenticity, filming the Druids Dance sequence around the Stones was actually done on a solstice evening and 3 young women apparently fell through the Stones. *They, and all the women, had signed wavers asking not to be found if lost.

Their agents are seeking damages and so far 16,678,432 women have applied for their vacant positions in the dance troupe which may film around the Stones again soon. 

Many have never danced before in their lives.


7- The Wentworth Stampede Cattle were stoned out of their minds.




The normally feisty and speedy cows in question wandered unnoticed into a marijuana patch in-between takes and had to be pulled, dazed and mellowed, into action. They meandered with a lazy saunter through the prison corridors and twice tried to head for the concession for munchies but finally completed the scene before dark. Plans are to play the cow scenes in high speed motion to simulate a stampede.

‘NO COMMENT, Dude!’ was the answer given by the Location Manager when asked if the Wacky Weed Patch was known to the team prior to shooting.


8- Crotch Fruit was used in the Cunnilingus Scene.



In the Most Re-Named Scene In TV History (The Snack Bar Scene; The Table Tongue Tango Scene; The Face First To Home Plate Scene; The Tongue Train To Tuna Town Scene to name but a few…) actor Tobias Menzies was asked what his favorite fruit was (which is a banana but that would have changed the entire story, so his second fave, a peach, was used) which was carefully fastened to an old jock strap and fitted around ‘Claire’s Lady Bits’ so ‘Frank’ could simulate cunnilingus with believability and extra vim and vigor whilst actually eating the peach, thus receiving his daily intake of Vitamin C. 

Rumor has it that 8 peaches in total were used by Tobias (and 2 packs of cigarettes by Cait).


9- Claire’s wardrobe inspired a Knitting Revolution of Epic Proportions.





It is estimated that 12 out of every 10 women over the age of 45 have either bought Claire Cowls or Claire Sleevelettes or knitted their own. Not only do they keep various body parts warm and add a fashionable touch to drab everyday wear, they cover age-spotted hands and hide up to 4 chins and/or the wiggly turkey-waddle necks of women across the globe. The younger fans of this apparel either want to ‘be like Claire’ or hide various sizes of hickies from the prying eyes of their parents/boring boyfriends/clergy.

A massive wool shortage is predicted within 9 months and the price of yarn is skyrocketing. Shares in the Australian Sheep Shearing Industry have already risen to record highs. 


10- It is a period piece that proves that colors were not yet invented by 1945.




Thorough research proved, and was adhered to in production, that the colors red, yellow, green, purple, pink and blue were not yet invented by 1945. 
Browns, greys and whites had been around for a while but only because of dirty laundry water.


11 - Sam Heughan makes extra cash with Fangirl Hair Rubs.



To supplement his income from Outlander (which does not quite cover his growing obsession with sports cars and pineapple coconut Häagen-Dazs®  Ice Cream), Sam rents out a small room on all the Starz locations daily for 6 hours and allows people to come run their fingers through his hair for $200.00 USD per minute. Tax included.

He is booked until April 22 2019, so make your reservation soon! Appointments can be made by calling 1-800-RUB-JAMIE


12 - The dog actor playing Rollo is a descendant of the Coppertone Dog.



Brutus, the doggie actor that will play Rollo is the 7th generation grandson of the dog who won the hearts of every beach-goer of the 60’s in the iconic Coppertone suntan lotion ad.

It is said he and Jamie got along especially well as Brutus felt comfortable with Jamie’s highly visible and vastly appreciated lily white ass.


13-  Tobias Menzies has a twin brother Keith Percival Menzies that plays Black Jack Randall.



Secretly separated at birth and unbeknownst to either brother, Tobias and Keith Menzies both became actors but were raised in separate countries (Keith lives in Mexico) and only reunited when vigilant casting directors discovered the secret and hired the long lost Twin B for the series. The reunion was awkward at first but the uncanny and mutual love of white powdered donuts and porno brought the siblings closer together. We do not know which it is, but one of the twins has only one testicle, but both have matching birthmarks on their right buttocks shaped like a rhinoceros with 2 horns.

American country music crooner Tobias ‘Toby’ Keith is thought to be named after these actors but it is not known why.


14- Actor Gary Lewis cut off his legs to win the role of Chieftain Colum MacKenzie.



The once 6’8” actor decided to have his legs surgically removed to make himself the required 4’1” to secure the part. He does not regret the decision and says that he has been flooded with scripts wanting him in roles in Big Time movies like Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, Disney's Stuart Little and The Hobbit. 

He also had skin bleaching as he was born Jamaican.


15- Author Diana Gabaldon is a Hermione-like witch.



Shown here with the actor who played Chewbacca in Star Wars, Diana Gabaldon has been outed recently as being a witch; an accusation she denies. It is obvious though that she broke into Hogwarts, replicated Professor Slughorn’s ‘Felix Felicis’ or Liquid Luck Potion and imbibed vast quantities of it (and uses it as perfume).

How else can one explain her ability to ‘practice writing’ a novel that becomes a runaway bestseller, THEN a hit book series, THEN a hit cable TV show AND also be a massively intelligent, thoroughly academic and accomplished doctor; a beloved mother; find a loving and decent man that is still husband #1; have physical beauty, a great sense of style; inner grace and wondrously witty sense of humor... AND a voice that sounds like crushed velvet on steroids? You see? The answer is right before your eyes. Felix Felicis.

That is also the name of her dog. Coincidence? I think not.

**NOTE: If you actually believe any of the above please do 3 things: 1) Invest in a sense of humor because you are severely lacking; 2) Slap yourself in the head. Twice and 3) Stay the FUCK away from me. And my dog.

CKECK OUT THE NEXT BLOG IN THIS SET: (click here) ANOTHER 15 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT OUTLANDER...kinda

Oh My Goodness. I just got an "Oooo...kay" from Herself! I appreciate that it can be taken as an 'Ooookay...that was weirdly awesome!' or an 'Ooookay. Time for someone to geta LOT more sleep!' BUT you know what...I WILL TAKE THEM BOTH because I know Diana read this and at least got a smile enough from it to re-post it on her FB page.*I wonder how many will be slapping themselves tonight? Twice.

                 THANK YOU Madame. I am your humble servant...kinda. ;)
                                                  LINK: Diana's Re-post



42 comments:

  1. it's verra clever how you inserted some actual facts into this fictitious, funny post! the knitting obsession is totally real, and I won't rat you out on the other real things you said. what are friends for?

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    1. Many thanks Jean. True friends are hard to find...unless you own a computer apparently ;) Cheers! :D

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  2. LMAO Love it! Thanks you made my night!

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    1. My pleasure! Thanks for not having to slap yourself. Twice.

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  3. I knitted my way through every episode. Sold some pieces, too. :-) Those little shawlettes have turned out to be a brilliant way of keeping neck and shoulders warm so I don't freeze at work.

    Congrats on your 'ooo kay' ;-) Enjoy the viewing spike!

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    1. Indeed! I moderate the largest Outlander fan FaceBook forum (Outlander Series Facebook Group) and I can't tell you how many knitting posts we get to replicate Claire's clothing. Knitters are a WILD MAD bunch!! Who knew? ;)

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  4. This was the funniest thing that I've read in a long time! Had me in tears from laughter. Great way to begin the day! Thank you.

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    1. Many thanks! This parody on all those Lists we are bombarded with online seems to have hit a funny bone or two. Cheers!

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  5. Oh, thank you very much for such a cute post! My husnabd and I (yeah, he's watched *and* liked the series too) were luaghing tears reading this! He liked the Unicorn thing the best and I enjoyed Colum most of all (and I do knit, as well ;)

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    1. Donas, Colum and knitting? I triple whammied you guys! Thanks for the great comment. :)

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  6. At first I was like, WTF?!? This some funny writing. Congrats on Herself noticing your blog.

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    1. LOL! Almost caught ya, hmm? Thanks for the compliment. Not all parody is appreciated. HA! Herself re-posted another of my pieces a short while ago called Franklander. It is here on this blog if ye wish ta eyeball it some. ;)

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  7. Hysterical! I admit you had me going for a few seconds. PMSL. If herself didna think it funny she wouldn't have shared. Loved the bit about the urine and plastic food results.

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    1. Kind of you to say. :) I think DG did enjoy it too...she certainly would not have wanted her readership to check it out otherwise. She has re-posted me before so I hope she gets some enjoyment from my writing as I have enjoyed hers for over 20 years. A small payback of sorts. Cheers!

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  8. Looking forward to your next installment after the series resumes in April.....great way to satisfy the winter drought Outlander fans are experiencing. Kudos!

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  9. Oh wow, these are hilarious but it does raise some questions about Diana for sure. It was obviously magic that made her so awesome.

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    1. I am just hoping she doesn't retaliate for outing her by turning me into a one of Ron Weasley's barf slugs. ;)

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  10. Slap...Slap....

    No, I'm not slapping myself. Just some others who have needed it for a very long time. 😊

    Thanks for the laugh.

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    1. Okay...that made ME laugh...thank YOU! Haaaaaaaa!!

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  11. Oh my goodness, I can't stop laughing! So funny, including the comments you added at the bottom. Thanks for the laugh.

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    1. Anyone who writes parodies or light humor does it for two reasons: to get rid of gas, and to make people smile. It's mutually beneficial. ;) Thanks for your comment.

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  12. Absolutely love the "get laid or buy peaches" comment! LMAO Bullies like these are the reason I'm no longer on twitter!

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    1. Proof that fruit is the most important food group. And yes, bullies are everywhere. It is an overused word that I do not use lightly but what else do you call unfulfilled and loveless people that stalk you on online? I am just a grandmother who moderates a FB group. It is a fun hobby I do since I write and am on my computer a LOT anyway. Desperate strangers do not affect my life in any way except for the odd belly laugh at their self-righteous indignation. I truly I feel for young kids who are not mature enough to laugh at the absurdity of it and walk away.

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  13. Thanks for the mention! Write on! :)

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  14. Godfather III. Of course I got it! Lol

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    1. I am not surprised you would know. We are already sistas, it seems. ;)

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  15. I am always in awe of your ability to make me howl on the floor, grab my tummy,laugh out loud.

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    1. I hope Captain Hook realizes this is a good thing and not some sort of affliction. ;)

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  16. OMG, so Jaime's - I mean, Sam's - hairs were individually glued on. I wonder which hurt most: the gluing or the original pulling out. I do love a good parody, and this is one of the best. Glad Diana Gabaldon gave it such high praise with her "Ooooo...kay." You should print that and frame it, as it is extremely rare for such busy, best-selling authors to have time to contact other writers, even if they're blogging about a show based on their books.
    Hugs,
    Alexandria

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    1. THANK YOU! Coming from an accomplished author as yourself, that is high praise indeed! I am thrilled you enjoyed it. If you don't mind, I will mention here that your blog post on Outlander was excellent and a very interesting take. WELL worth the read. Not everybody will agree but hey...I kinda get that myself, as you can see. *smile* Cheers and thanks again! From The Alexandria papers- An Outlander Starz Review: https://www.thealexandriapapers.com/both-sides-now-review-of-the-mid-season-finale-of-starzs-outlander-and-season-1-part-2/comment-page-1/?subscribe=success#blog_subscription-2

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  17. This is hilarious. "I'll have what she's having." :)

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  18. It looks to me that this blog was under an invisibility cloak for more than a year.. (at least the comments section) See what happens when..
    Anyway.. when actor Steven Cree, playing Ian Murray, had his leg repeatedly cut, stored on ice, and reattached between takes, there are rumours that he attacked whisky-eyed doctor Claire with his wooden peg... I am deeply disturbed by the lengths the actors and the production powers that be are going to, for authenticity. I mean, why couldn't they cast one of the many actors who cut their leg prior to going to the audition?

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    1. Hi Doina...let me reply to your comment: 1) there is no invisibility cloak here...in any way. My blog has an 'adults only' type of filter wherein you cannot just hop on my blog, but forest you must agree that you know there is adult content, approve, then pop on. And I DO have a moderator who reads all my mail first here and removes abusive comments or troll shit etc... before I see it, but when I do get mail like yours, it is allowed on the page and I do answer. Hope that helps. 2) I have NO idea what you are talking about with cut legs and Ian chasing Claire etc...so please, do explain further so I can reply intelligently. Thanks!

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    2. Doina...nevermind...I get that you were just continuing the joking... *smile*

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    3. Cait mentioned in an interview that the doctor on set was named Claire and had whisky coloured eyes :) So, this Claire, not the *other* Claire :) As I just got the collector's edition, I noticed in the "Making Of" extras that there is a tiny disclaimer ("No doctors were harmed in the making of this series") and there's a tiny clip of the good doctor defending herself - she's mighty fine with a dirk! So, all's well when it ends "ooooo.... key" ;)

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I really do appreciate you reading and perhaps sharing my blog pieces and hoped you enjoyed them. Leave a comment if you like and I will reply asap. *NOTE: I have strong opinions and will gladly respond to respectful debate or disagreement, but too many people use blogs as a platform for their insanity and hate, so be aware that my moderator will not allow Haters to spread their hate and I personally only see comments, good or bad, that are not rude.