WHY THIS BLOG?

I AM PARCA'S CHOSEN:
Parca is the Roman Goddess of Childbirth and Destiny and after you get to know me, you will see why I believe she has, without doubt, made me her Poster Child. I deal with the odd serious issue but for the most part, my posts are just some cheeky fun, reviews of favorite shows, and true stories that will make you laugh out loud (or run screaming...I don't know you well enough to predict your behavior). You'll find satire with the odd parody tossed in....and most definitely a generous helping of hyperbole, with a dollop of facetiousness.

I am Canadian so expect a bit of politeness too. Sorry.

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DENISE ON AMAZON
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Monday, March 10, 2014

THE OUTLANDER CHERRY NIPPLE CLUB




 **WELCOME!**

I have founded the ‘Outlander Cherry Nipple Club’ in honor of our beloved author, Diana Gabaldon, and her brilliant series of novels based in many regions…namely the highlands of Scotland, various areas of Europe and the nether regions of any woman who reads the books.

The name of this club is derived from the titillating terminology used to describe the quality of Claire Beauchamp Fraser’s dessert-like nipples. Eroticism and food imagery...a match made in heaven. Indeed, after reading these books, I cannot walk past the maraschinos in an ice-cream parlor without wanting to breast feed the nearest male (and I'm not even lactating).

I believe that good books are like good meals: tasty and satisfying. They can be hollow and full of empty calories, but, as in the Outlander series, they can be delicious and good for you…offering you helpings in every basic food group and helping to keep you healthy:

First, Outlander books give you MEAT and NUTS : meaty romance that it. Manly men in kilts and one in particular, named Jamie Fraser, who makes every woman who reads about him want to move to Scotland and dye their husband’s hair red. *The nuts I refer to come in various forms and sizes and I mean minor characters like Angus and Rupert, not the ones YOU are thinking! You wee naughty thing you!

Then there is the BREAD and PASTA allowances: Okay. I admit, I am stumped with the bread metaphor but the story is based on Time Travel, going from the FUTURE to the PASTa. That’s all you are getting from me here. Move on.

OILS are mainly represented in the VIRGIN section of the story (virgin oil, get it? C'mon...cut me some slack, eh?) the most important one being Jamie in Book One.  Inexperienced men are usually a dull affair indeed and best avoided like malfunctioning vibrators or warm beer, but our innocent Scotsman has put the ACHING in teaching and the SIZE in fantasize.

The MILK group is covered here and there with all the babes and cows about, and especially with Jenny's BoobJuice In'a Cup scene (in the show), but not as arousing as others because, well, in my case, as a mother of twins, the memory of nursing two at a time still makes me feels like a linebacker carrying two footballs in for a touchdown. But heaving jugs may turn others on so I will not judge.

VEGETABLES are easily covered with the plethora of rolling green hills and verdure landscapes written so richly that you can smell the lovingly tended gardens and rich meals cooked in the kitchens of Lallybroch, but not once is a vegetable used in an erotic manner and that, is a missed opportunity indeed. One might suggest to Diana that cucumbers are not just for salads anymore. So I have heard. *suggested side reading below:


Then comes our main food group and the reason for this club FRUITS:

I vow to make it my life’s work to find every mention of these sexy and oh-so enviable hard, round, ripe and imminently suckable cherry nipples in all of the Outlander books (a  few, 3, are seen in my meme above, top of page). Very few fruits have given me so much o̶r̶g̶a̶s̶m̶i̶c̶ organic visualizations, including bananas, and I will be forever in Diana’s debt (as will The CPoA Cherry Pickers of America) for stamping this image so firmly in my mind’s eye and making them the Sexy Fruit of the Century and so deserving of a club of their own.
**NOTE TO SELF: NEVER, EVER GOOGLE 'SEXY CHERRIES' AGAIN. *yikes*

If I have missed any section of the food guide I beg your pardon, but I am a writer, not a dietician.

This, my friends, is why I am not addicted to chocolate, but to the Outlander Series. The books are my McFull Meal Deal. **and if you have a ‘Pocket Jamie', then it even comes with a toy.
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**shout out to the Outlander Series forum on Face Book! Biggest. Best.Group.Ever. Come join us...we have contests too!