WHY THIS BLOG?

I AM PARCA'S CHOSEN:
Parca is the Roman Goddess of Childbirth and Destiny and after you get to know me, you will see why I believe she has, without doubt, made me her Poster Child. I deal with the odd serious issue but for the most part, my posts are just some cheeky fun, reviews of favorite shows, and true stories that will make you laugh out loud (or run screaming...I don't know you well enough to predict your behavior). You'll find satire with the odd parody tossed in....and definitely a heaping helping of hyperbole.

I am Canadian so expect a bit of politeness too. Sorry.

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1) MY eBOOKS CAN BE FOUND ON AMAZON HERE:
DENISE ON AMAZON
2) MY eBook Trailers are on YOUTUBE
3) My website:denisesevierfries.com
4) My Photo-Art Youtube Trailer is here too.

5) My old monthly column: The Lighter Side of Self Publishing
6) Outlander Series Facebook forum: the popular book/tv series group I moderate is The BEST and BIGGEST! Some 67,000+ members! Come join us! *click on bold red words

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

THINGS THAT MAKE ME GO WTF?: The Unbearable Oddness of Being *PART 1

Do you sometimes watch TV or a movie and find yourself staring, mouth agape and thinking WTF? 

I do.

A lot. 

Enough to make this a weekly column but let's begin with the ones fresh on my mind.

1) DOWNTON ABBEY

 I just finished the DA marathon on PBS, Season 1 straight through to Season 6...all of it, end to end, and although my eyes are bleeding and I haven't slept for 159 hours, this little niggling thingy needs to be said:

WTF is with Cora's hat in S6 E9? I cannot usually find any fault whatsoever with DA... I am smitten to the nth degree and loved every single moment of it...even that annoying shitforbrains Daisy, but that hat was like nails on a chalkboard. *shiver* It is forgivable, as the show is otherwise Perfection...but still... 

Am I the only one who sees Cora's Lisa Simpson hair?


I offer you the proof that the costume department saw this on the screen and shuddered: THIS is the ONLY picture of that hat I could find on the net. It's been tossed...rubbed out...knocked off....it's sleeping with the fishes.

One hopes.

2) NATURE VALLEY GRANOLA COMMERCIAL

If you haven't seen this commercial, I must warn you, don't be holding anything sharp or hot in your palm, because it WILL be slapping your forehead as your thinking 'WTF?' It is in my TOP 5 STUPIDESTCOMMERCIALS. EVER.



No. You cannot learn everything you need to know about life from a granola bar. Unless, of course, you are tripping on acid and your wise old Grandpa is actually a talking granola bar.
Otherwise, just fuck off.

3) MAYTAG COMMERCIAL
   
 I am normally not the over-sensitive kind, and can take all kinds of humour, but this Maytag commercial was a big WTF? moment for me. Objectifying any sex seems just so wrong these days. I dunno...but I just felt sad for this actor, who has probably been trying to make in show biz for years and finally got hired, only to act like a THING to be humiliated. It is a cringeworthy sight and I think this guy deserves a bloody good bonus. And free facial reconstruction surgery so he can go out in public again...


What if this was a female actor? Exactly.


4) OUTLANDER STARZ TV SERIES: #Boobgate

The Humanizing of a God. An unexpected and major WTF moment.

The Perfect McHusband, the Scotsman Jamie Fraser, loves his wife so Deeply and Truly, he has singlehandedly reignited more dormant middle-aged libidos, like ancient volcanoes on steroids, for millions upon millions of women around the world. His Devotion, Loyalty and Over50 ego-emboldening love of a 'fine fat arse' and a buxom bosomS is Legend in the Outlander Fandom.

However, the TV series, suffering sever Adaptationitis somehow wrote in a scene (like Outlander's 20 trillion pages didn't have enough storyline already) our Hero cops boobage, willing lead to the Mound Of Sin by its malicious and love-struck teenager LegHair (Laoghaire) and it sent a ripple of horror and angst throughout the Outlander community. The agitated click of knitting needles was deafening!

In an unprecedented Social Media war, sides were chosen and you were either #TeamFallenKing or #TeamJustAGuyThing. I am #TFK and Diana, surprisingly enough, was #TJAGT. This is how we exchanged views on Twitter complete with a T-shirt worthy quote that still makes me say WTF? but in a much more respectful and fangirl-in-awe way.

                                                  Full story here: #Boobgate



5) BMO SMARTFOLIO COMMERCIAL



Creepy: blue, zombie/ghost-like guy who is kinda ugly. I have to avert my eyes when this guy comes on the screen. NO eye contact; evil vibe. 

Misogynistic: why show 'money working hard for you' as the stereotypical housekeeping/dishwashing/vacuuming Women's Work thing?

Seriously...WTF?


6) DOWNTON ABBEY again (sorry...I lied.)

 Sybil dies.

So WTF happened to Hugh Bonneville's excellent acting chops in this episode? Lord Grantham's beloved Sybil is dying before his very eyes, and its all his fault, and he looks like he is watching his favorite soccer team tie a match. He seems rather put-out, but hardly frantic or devastated. The dumbass doctor who misdiagnosed her preeclampsia looks far more upset. Maybe HE is Sybil's real dad? Did I miss an episode?



7) SNOOP DOG AND MARTHA STEWART'S POTLUCK DINNER PARTY



Not since the pairings of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley, Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley, and Rocky and Bullwinkle, have I ever been so gobsmacked about a couple.

Yes, I know Snoopartha (Dogwart?) aren't a 'thing' (now THAT is a picture in my mind's eye that  I'll need to acid flush out tonight!) but WTF? How in the hell do they even KNOW each other, let alone get all buddy/buddy, Let's-chill-out...?

Okay...Rockey and Bullwinkle makes sense, in a way...they are woodland creatures who fight crime but that's it. The rest are just Whackadoodle Time.

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Nuff said for now...look for THINGS THAT MAKE ME GO WTF?: The Unbearable Oddness of Being *PART 2 soon.




Tuesday, November 8, 2016

LOVE LETTER TO A FACEBOOK ADMIN or "Hey Mister...Ya Got A Twoonie?"

Ah! The life of a FB admin.

A Chef stirring a stew of humanity so thick it could choke a horse. But with a little salt (read: humour) it is palatable enough. Case in point:

This is a PM (private message) I received on the Face Book forum I run called Outlander Series (the largest at over 65,000 member and BEST Diana Gabaldon Outlander FB fan forum!).

I had to remove (not ban) a member named Nick Perri for asking for piracy links/free TV for free Outlander episodes (a BIG no no) and even though it was an easy-fix situation (a polite PM will 99.9% of the time end up in a re-join), he had his feelings hurt...and let me know. Here is his PM and my reflex action edit of it:





And here is my open letter to him:
Hey Nicky!
I understand that you need to vent now and then but seriously, you could be SO much more effective if you tried a little harder with your private messages on Face Book. Sloppy insults just don’t hit the mark. I KNOW how life-changing and devastating being removed from a book club page can be…like someone ripped a whole in your heart a hole and horked a loogie in it…so I will offer you these sound edits of your message in an attempt to help you make the most of your suffering:
·        Capitalizing your first sentence ‘Wtf’ started well, but you must remember that it is still a sentence, albeit a condensed one, and needs a question mark at the end, not a comma. Capitals are then needed to begin the next sentence.

·        At the end of the second sentence, you used a comma instead of a question mark or exclamation mark. That is just being lazy. You missed a chance to show your rage with a raised fist! See what I did there? Okay…good.

·        “…my entire life, I absolutely…” Run-on sentence/Improper punctuation. Rule of thumb: if you take a breath when talking, it usually means you need punctuation there (either a semicolon or a period). Be aware of your literal voice.

·        Stupid is used twice and then the wrong punctuation is used. Again… laziness. Invest in a Thesaurus.

·        Unnecessary and inconsistent indentations just waste your time in messages like this. It isn’t an essay. Don’t fuss with it.

·        ‘Gonna’ is quaint, but slurring tames the ferocity of the piece like this. Save it for your Gangsta Poem nights.


·        Hyphens are our friend. Cum-guzzling, gutter-slut, flat-chested anal-loving etc… help the reader compartmentalize and get a better visual. Don’t confuse your reader (e.g.- ‘…guzzling gutter…’)

·        Don’t try to impress with urban slang if your audience is 50plus. It goes over their heads and is lost. I had no idea what bukake was and actually read ‘bunt cake’. Having to stop to look up words weakens the momentum of your righteous fury and dilutes it to a warm piss against the wind, but I must say that you DO pack a lot of information in a very short space.

·         I am pretty sure gloryhole is one word but again... urban slang ... mostly shoots wide off target.

·        One should stay in sync with one’s previous writing style and your ‘2’ should be written out as two. To be constant is to know God.

·        Multiple use of exclamation marks is like poking your finger repeatedly on someone’s forehead. Rather than making a point, you distract from it and the reader focuses on them and not what they are trying highlight.
   
If you embrace these corrections, your next online meltdown will be taken more seriously. I wish you well in all your upcoming assaults on FB admin, online Complaint Departments at Home Depot and Staples and anyone you don't have to face in person. Regards to your spouse and family who are, I assume, in an FBI Witness Protection Program pending your upcoming trial.
No need to thank me for the edit. It's like I always say, proper grammar and a completed Anger Management Program, will help keep you warm in a cold, cold world.
Sincerely,
Denise (a.k.a. Grandma Gutter Slut. Destined to be a password. My sister and I almost busted a gut laughing at that one... so seriously, it's a keeper...)

Thursday, October 6, 2016

10 CLEVER OUTLANDER S3 'SEIZING THE MOMENT' MOMENTS! *SPOILERS*

Whether you agree with how the Outlander novels have been adapted to the show, you have to give Starz and director Ron Moore credit for adapting to The Moment. Translating a scene from page to screen is difficult at best, but being creative and spontaneous has helped Moore and company make their vision/version an 'on-budget' reality that entertains. No small feat.

Here are 10 'Seizing The Moment' moments that are clever and worthy of tipping of our hats: as always, click pic to enlarge

1) Sam's Obsession With Pokémon Go.

Original footage

CGI removed SmartPhone for final cut


It is well known on set that actor Sam Heughan has an almost debilitating need to play Pokémon Go. So, when it came time to shoot the fight scene with Tobias Menzies (Black Jack Randall), Moore secretly directed Tobias grabbed Sam's SmartPhone and slide it in his belt, taunting Sam with never intending to give it back. The results of this masterstroke of genius will be seen on the screen by all, very soon

2) The Outlander Crew Parties are Legend. And on Film...sorta.
If you look closely at this shot of Claire walking through the battlefield, you will see she has actually been added in with CGI technology. The infamous cast and crew PTYP parties(Party Till You Puke) made a cost efficient battlefield scene for Moore as he simply waited until nightfall after a long days shooting, and filmed the crew passed out all over the field behind the trailers where they live while working. As they habitually dress up in Outlander costumes while drinking (everyone wants to wear a kilt), Moore didn't have to worry about the 'bodies' looking out of their era.

Anyone found asleep in their chairs were gently placed in a supine or prone position on the ground and all bottles were carefully replaced with a soft, fake sword. (*early use of real swords proved rather dangerous and resulted in too many cut lips)

3) Outlander Book Fans Never Clean Their Houses.


In scene like the one above with Bree and Roger wading through a messy pile of junk and old Must Keeps, Starz saves on location fees and set design by running contests for fans with the messiest homes, wherein the winner gets to have their room made into a set for the day/week for filming. Book fans (and many show fans who re-watch episodes every day on a loop for hours on end) are famous for not having time to both do housecleaning AND being an Outlander fan, so they can now try and be a part of Outlander history.

If you want to enter the 'HOUSEKEEPING SUCKS SASSENACH!' contests, call toll free, Monday through Friday, 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. here: 1-800-JAMIE-AWAITS


4) Ron Moore Based Much of Season 3 on 'Scottish Ninjas'.


It's his favorite cartoon. Nuff said.


5) Tobias Hates Fruit. (except one: see why here: peaches #8)

Pre CGI manipulation

Post CGI manipulation

When an unsuspecting extra brought Tobias a fruit bowl at break, Moore caught Tobias' furious reaction and used CGI technology to remove the fruit for the gloriously explosive  scene.

No extras and only one apple was hurt during this scene.


6) Professional Make-up Artists are Very Expensive, So They are Not Hired.


Wherever battle/crowd filming is taking place, ads are placed in local papers asking for artists and fans with painting/make-up skills to apply for the chance to 'Paint Sam' (or Paint Graham, or Paint Tobias, etc...as is needed). Typically, there are between 80 to 3380 applicants, depending on the size of the village/town/city on or near the shooting location. Only three are hired per location and they only have to pay Starz $20.00 per hour each for the privilege (note: painting Sam costs the lucky artist $20.00 per hour but is less as one goes down the cast list, $2.50 being the lowest for painting anonymous clansmen. *FACT: nobody is allowed to paint Tobias as Black Jack, after one woman tried to stab him in the eye with a eyebrow pencil. He does his own make up now.


7) Hate Can Be Profitable. And Pretty.

To ease the escalating cost of production, there is a new line of 'OUTLANDER FUCK THEM JEWELRY out for passionate fans:


There is an extra large batch of Fuck Leghair necklaces being made to accommodate the expected influx of orders from the awesome Outlander Series group I am admin of on FaceBook (come join us...click here). We do hate us some Leghair...


8) Pictures are Worth a Thousand Words, and Perhaps Millions of Dollars.


I am NOT saying this was leaked from a safe at Starz headquarters.
I am NOT saying Raymond Einstein is real.
I am NOT saying Diana actually wrote a non-fiction.
I am NOT saying that this could be Top Secret info that could get me in trouble.
I ain't sayin' shit.

9) Learning Gaelic by Osmosis


It is a proven fact that babies can learn a language by simply being around it for large periods of time, so, as a bonus to any paid worker on the Outlander sets, their babies (newborn to 9 months) are allowed to sit in their prams (as seen here in a season 3 still in Glasgow, Scotland) and soak in the language...literally.

To date, no less than 7 OB (Outlander Babies) are fluent in Gaelic after 2 seasons worth of on-set live Gaelic osmosis. However, 1 wee lad cannot speak any English at all now, so he is being planted on the set of Game of Thrones.


10) Time Travel stories can Have Awfully Flexible TimeLines and Potential for OffShoot Stories. #sponsormoney

Caitriona Balfe is a good actress with a face and temperament made for adventure. Why not take advantage of it? These pictures are the newly released 'prequels' to Outlander called 'BEFORE JAMIE: Claire's Adventures Before She Finally Hit Scotland'. They are 15 minute segments that will be seen just after The Skyboat Song and just before the episode of the hour. These are a few of them...

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*PLEASE NOTE: if you are a human living on earth, you should know that this entire blog piece is untrue. Just having fun...ha ha. If you are an invading alien with one or more laser-type weapons, then this piece is still untrue, except the Time Traveling part. That part is true and you will not find me, so stop looking. I am not hiding. I am long goooooooooone...

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

OUTLANDERPOLY GAME: Complete with Chance, Community Chest and Property Cards! *FREE TO PRINT AND PLAY*

Okay.

I made this OUTLANDERPOLY game a while back and posted it online for all to use, and promised to make cards etc....but Life happened and I am just getting to it now. Sorry.

Between work, kids, hubbypoo, writing, photography and being admin on the BIGGEST and BEST Outlander group on FaceBook (click here to join the fun!), Time got away on me. *and daydreaming about wild jungle sex with Boromir takes up space too ya know...

So here you go.  All done. Print, then cut it all out, and enjoy! Here are the instructions:

1) Use this like any other Monopoly game. Same rules apply (or make up your own!)
2) Use whatever you like for tokens: beads, Cheerios, buttons, dried clumps of haggis...anything goes. You will need a pair of dice.
3) Monopoly money can be used but understand that I wanted to make it more Outlanderly, so I used Jocasta's Gold Bricks for currency, and Gold Coins. Each Brick is worth 30 Coins (30 dollars). *So when you pass GO, for example, you can gain either 200 Coins or 7 Bricks.
4) I've never played it yet...who has time?...so since I suck at math and all things logical, if this does not work while you play {size/pixel-wise or currency-wise} let me know and I can try and correct it.
5) It should all print well, but I am not 100% sure of the board as it is less pixels than the cards... *sigh*  I may need to re-do it larger? Let me know in the comment section...
**click on all pics to enlarge


THE PLAYING BOARD: measures 1000 x 1000 pixels #Outlanderpoly





THE PROPERTY CARDS


THE CHANCE AND COMMUNITY CHEST CARDS



I hope you enjoy this game as much as I had making it! I have heard there are a lot of Outlander Monopoly games out there but I haven't seen any to compare with yet. This one is Original and Mine. Just sayin'... *begins to think that a 'YOU WIN A FREE RIDE ON JAMIE' card might have been fun to add.... *grin*



Wednesday, September 7, 2016

OUTLANDER VIRTUAL PUZZLES: 25 PUZZLES IN VARYING LEVELS OF DIFFICULTY

I. LOVE. PUZZLES.

Online puzzles are my new GoTo place to relax, forget about how I will never be able to comfort and hug TVFrank or marry BookJamie (or have wild jungle sex with Boromir ...but that's another story...)

Grab your drink of choice, some snacks and Click on these Virtual Outlander Puzzles I made (CLICK THE PUZZLE TITLE) and have some fun! 
*NOTE: ALL PHOTOS ARE FROM ONLINE SOURCES AND NOT MY OWN


















































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HARDCORE PUZZLES FOR THE BRAVE AND BOLD
300 PIECE PUZZLES